(A Note to Those Following The Exploring Dependence article series – These articles have always been about sharing the adventures of my journey with God. For the most part, they have reflected one long conversation, as it naturally unfolds. But occasionally, I sense that I should share from a different portion of my journey. This is one of those occasions. I plan to return to Dependence with the next article.)
My Dad used to tell me I was a bull in a china closet. In fact, as I think about the identity I brought out of my youth, that was it – a bull in a china closet
Now let me clarify. Dad did the best he could with what he had. He lost his own Dad when he was nine. He didn’t have a dad to guide him as he grew up, so he was trying to figure out how to guide me on the fly. In the end, he gave me much more guidance than he ever got, enabling me to stand on his shoulders. I hope that my son can stand on my shoulders.
Nevertheless, there was this message – I was a bull in a china closet. Which I interpreted to mean that all I did was break stuff – the really good stuff.
So, I spent a lot of years trying to do better. Be less rambunctious. Rein in my tendencies to plow through stuff. Learn to be milder.
Then, a few years ago, it occurred to me – the problem with a bull in a china closet is not the bull. The problem is the foolishness of believing a bull belongs in a china closet.
A bull is a bold, powerful animal. Why in the hell would anyone ever want to put one in a china closet? What thought process made this seem like a good idea?
I mean, the bull is just being what he is. Which is a good thing. His strength is needed. This realization brought a lot of freedom. Finesse and subtlety would probably never be my strong suits.
I began to suspect that God made me that way. For a reason.
This realization brought a shift. I stopped trying to teach the bull ballet. I began to try to figure out how to let the bull be a bull.
Of course, that doesn’t mean just turning him loose. I’ve seen bulls out of control. Destroying fences and holding pens. Goring anyone they could get to. That’s not a bull being a bull. That’s a bull on a rampage. That’s not what I’m after.
I rodeoed in high school. Rode bulls. Actually, it would be more accurate to say, “Got on bulls.” They won the contest a lot more than I did. A lot.
But the stock contractor who produced many of our rodeos had a bull named Headhunter. Headhunter had horns that were heavy — big as a man’s bicep — and so wide, the tips would get caught on the alleyway posts. Based on looks, he fully deserved his name.
He was fierce to ride too. A lot of bulls had an established routine that you could anticipate. One bull might spin right out of the box. Another might take three jumps to the left, and then explode straight up into the air. That kind of thing. But Headhunter seemed to customize each ride. If the cowboy was out of balance one way or the other, he could feel it and take advantage of the mistake to end the ride.
At one particular rodeo, a friend of mine, Buddy, drew Headhunter. Buddy was a good bull rider, and this draw gave him a shot at winning the rodeo. But a few seconds into the ride, Buddy made a mistake – got a little out of position – and that was all Headhunter needed.
Buddy landed in front of the bull. With his next jump, Headhunter’s right front hoof would have landed in Buddy’s gut. Except Headhunter rolled his right shoulder inward, like he was trying to miss Buddy with that right hoof. He didn’t — not completely — but it sure looked like he tried — hard.
Buddy was laying there on the ground, and people were starting to move toward him. Headhunter circled back toward Buddy and the clowns moved in to protect him.
But Headhunter wasn’t going after him. It looked like he just wanted to check on Buddy, to make sure he was ok.
Then he trotted over to the gate out of the arena. He got there before they opened it, so he had to wait. Then, like he always did, he turned around and backed through the alleyway so his horns wouldn’t get caught on the post.
By itself, these might seem like coincidences, but we had watched Headhunter enough to know better. As soon as he dumped a cowboy, he knew his job was done. I’ve even seen him stop bucking after the 8-second buzzer, even with a rider still on his back. He knew the contest was finished and his work was done. Free of his rider, he would head over to the gate out of the arena, where he would wait, if necessary, before backing down the alleyway.
Headhunter was a bull that understood his role and how to use his strength.
That’s the kind of bull I hope I’m becoming.
I suspect there are a lot of guys like me. Guys who have been told that their strength is destructive and unwelcome. That God wants them to be nicer… milder.
It’s tough to embrace your strength — to develop it and learn to control it — in an environment where it isn’t valued — even opposed.
Often, it has felt like I have had to ignore the voices around me, even the Christian ones — especially the Christian ones — to find my strength. I am even tempted to describe it as striking out on my own, except that I feel like God has been directing my journey. So, I have never felt alone.
Through the journey, God continues to teach me much that I think will be helpful to guys like me. And my role — the role He gave me — includes sharing my discoveries with these guys.
A couple years ago, Gil, a friend on a similar journey, and I joined together in this effort to pass on what God is teaching us. We started holding a monthly Friday night Men’s Gathering in the detail shop at his business – Katy Auto Care. We invited men to bring a chair, their favorite adult beverage, and anything they want to smoke that is legal. We would cook something on the grill, and have a discussion about the spiritual dimension of our lives.
We’ve had 23 of those meetings, and during that time we’ve shared bits and pieces of God’s Story and how our lives fit into it. But we’ve always known that there would need to be more. More in-depth discussion. More time to connect the pieces. More time for each man to explore his own story. With God.
We think now is the time for that “more.”
So, our October Gathering will be an overnighter at Gil’s property near Sealy. Any man who is interested in what we have to share is invited. We plan to get things rolling around 6:00 PM on Friday, October 19 and finish up mid-to-late Saturday afternoon, October 20. As soon as we finalize the details, we’ll post them on the TrueQuest website. If you are interested, and do not receive the monthly Men’s Gathering emails, let me know, and I will make sure you are notified when they’re up.